I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. xo, Im so sorry to hear of your sadness. Being the left behind spouse I struggle a great deal. I received a summons to have my alimony modified. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. 6-12 years. I do wish you peace, as I wish this for everyone in our situation. This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. What are Dirty Thunderstorms and When Do They Appear? But I try to be grateful for all they do for her they live in the same city as my daughter while I am out of state. Its good to see Im not alone. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. feelings of . His children have never been told his address and were informed of his second marriage after the event. },{ I still find myself falling into a funk in November and December, and then it takes all of January to get my feet back under me. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. Not seen ones own child daily especially when very young is so excruciating. Yes, I am male. I have not dated anybody because Im still in the process of healing and I know it would not be wise doing so until I am ready to turn the page over completely. So much collateral damage. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. Good luck to everyone here as well divorce is tough but we are tougher . You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. But that fact doesnt erase the sadness of having said I do to a man who is the father of my children, and who became a stranger to me. D. A. Wolf is a professional writer, editor, and independent marketing and social media consultant. As for my children, I hope I have been a model of resourcefulness and curiosity, of determination and positivism. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be .. I cannot deny that when I hear echoes of family jokes that trace back to my childrens early childhood, I flash immediately to other days. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. Yeah.). I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. Are you talking to anyone on a regular basis about how you are feeling? But I still think what I did, in leaving him was the worst thing I've ever done or will ever do and it absolutely breaks my heart. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. Dreams are broken but lives have to go on. This article resonates every sentiment I feel. While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. I was married for nearly 40 years and I have known him for 50 years. There are tactics you can use the get passed the pain, I promise. we will find a common ground to make it as normal as possible.. Good article! That was 5 years ago. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. Gradually, your feelings on loss will start to be replaced by new things to do, new people to meet and new places to go. Deeply sad, and still in pain. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. It's not a bad place to be. For me, the pain will never go away. Joanne, Thank you Joanne. And sadness. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. However, it may not take quite long if you wanted the divorce, were unhappy with your marriage, or the divorce decision was mutual. 11. My adult son came to live with me 20 years after his mother and I divorced. I can relate a lot with you. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . We all grieve differently. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. I initiated it. Wishing you all the best Most psychologists and therapists' general rule is one year of healing and recovery for every five to seven years of marriage. Thank you for finding those words. I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. Thinking that being alone means being lonely. Divorce can be worse than dying. I do not want to feel this pain ever again. And my son died 7 1/2 years ago at 19, more dead dreams. Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. And its been tuff, specially when He was the unfaithful, controlling, abusive one. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. Obviously the grass is greener wasnt that green. My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. Mistake #1: Feeling Like a Failure She up and decided one day she no longer wanted to be married to me or anyone for that matter. "@type": "FAQPage", Three kids and 15 years later we divorced. Ali, 40, and Justin, 40, announced their uncoupling in April 2022, but ahead of her new Netflix/A24 comedy series Beef and her upcoming summer tour, Ali told The Hollywood Reporter that she and . You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. I see my future as being alone for the rest of my life, Im too exhausted and too busy careing for OUR severely disabled daughter. joanne. crying spells. } People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. I know what youre going through. I've been having a recurring dream every night for the past few weeks. Best Wishes,Ben Schwarcz, MFTSanta Rosa Psychotherapist. I realize this website was for moms, but couldnt help but reply. Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. Make a bucket list of places and things you want to do and see. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. I feel bad for my children always going in 2 directions and not having the support Are men and women so different? I think this is going to be chance for me to finally heal and let go of him. Top 10 Mistakes Women Make After a Divorce Feeling like a failure. I hope they see that what is good in life can outweigh the hurt of our deepest disappointments. I live in another state. No longer. Sad. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. 8 years after my divorce, I am right there. 0. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. But my heart tells me that interacting with her as a friend is more hurtful. I am actually the one who left my husband. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. 13+ years. I had a gnawing feeling when I left him that I was "slitting my own throat" and now I know that is true. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. Almost the minute he left I was being told to move on, make a life for myself etc. The worst part came a couple years later as I was sorting through papers to be destroyed. Grand children . In the dream, I'm still married to my ex-husband; we are fighting and he's getting ready to move out. It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and you can still feel emotional weeks, months, and even years after you and your former partner have split. I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). The day before what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary he sent me an apology for the way he treated me, and brought up the anniversary I cannot think why as he was married to her, so why mention it. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. the pain is there every day . Wow. The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. A fractured. The sadness and hurt came subtly and hovered over me. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . You Will Grieve After Divorce, And It's Painful As Hell. As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote. If you continue drinking to avert suffering, then this will never help you to heal, and your emotions towards life will only worsen. Excellent article. Poor Academic Performance That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. Thank you for sharing. The residual anger,. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. Once in a while I cannot help but look back, even though I think Ive worked through it all. Dating the same man again. I have had a similar situation. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. 6 In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. But, it better be given deep and long thoughts the effects and consequences. Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. Think Im going to leave her too. Absolutely. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. 22. Still, it hurts and is sad sometimes, even 12 years on, but now I know thats okay and Im not alone! As time goes on, there are less and less bad days, and more good ones . Why isnt that enough? Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. I don't know how to stop the regret and guilt!! I live my life, then something triggers the pain all over again, even a simple thing like a beautiful sunset: why isnt he here to share this? Its like a phantom limb. My career has suffered. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. ", It becomes manageable, but thats about it. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. I thought is wasnt normal to still feel guilty 10 years later. My father died two weeks before she left . }] The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. Apparently I get a F grade in moving on.. Thank you for writing this article and for me stumbling upon it Im so glad there are others out there who understand, and can put into words, how this feels. The deep pain of losing a relationship is based on the belief that your peace and your joy lies within the other person, and without them, you have no access to these feelings. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. I didnt even know he was unhappy, he wrote me a love song a few weeks before he left; confusion. But the pain lingers under the surface always. He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. Many times people start dating immediately while healing has not taken place making them suffer even more. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. I know it is possible to lose conscious contact with that inner peace and love, and I know how tempting it is to think that our love walked away when we parted ways with our dream mate - but if you perpetuate this delusion you cause yourself much more pain.One of the best tools for moving on and letting go of past traumas, regrets, losses and so on - is Meridian Tapping/EFT. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. I had spent so many years waiting for the affair again shoe to drop but realized, it was not a concern anymore, the cheater was out of my life. Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. Dear Sugars, I'm a middle-aged father of one teenage girl. My ex husband left our family 7 years ago for my (single w/2 kids) friend. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. Even got the dogshe is small not big! I have fallen in love again after my divorce. Ultimately, I support her decision. Thank you for letting us with the dead dreams know were not alone on the days its sharp. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. It is more than enough! now we have three children together and 4 grandchildren together. I did not handle the divorce well. Mental health experts agree that divorce is comparable to the loss of a loved one, which makes sense given that you're suffering the loss of a marriage and all that goes with it. You choose to leave now leave me alone. I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. Younger childrenspecifically 5- to 8 . Cant Get Your Ex Out Of Your Head? Studies show that men feel empty, guilty, anxious, depressed, deep loss, and strong dependency needs of which they . Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. As the years go by following my divorce, I often think that something is wrong with me because I still feel sad.