my husband is driving my daughter away my husband is driving my daughter away

I was thinking this too. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. 6napkinburger So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. If the issue is raised during a child custody . You're surely not alone. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. Mommy and daddy present a united front. I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. bittergaymark But am I mad at her now? When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). But what upset me more is his reaction. So insightful! Have you read Tumblr recently? So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. We watched Space Camp WAY too many times and tried astronaut ice cream together. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. I take little credit for how lucky I am. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Hes not interested in that because that would require work and compromise on his part. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. Definitely! Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. You got a long with him just fine before she got in to this stage in life, and you need to act like a grown-up every once in a while, because this guys is losing his wife and his daughter, partly because you want to be her friend more than her parent all of the time. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. Liquid Luck is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . (Kept me sane), Astronomer I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. Thats awesome! One activity we all enjoyed!!!! He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. The kid keeps it all inside because she doesnt want to disappoint Mom, and the relationship with Dad dies. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! lets_be_honest I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. temperance The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. But it isnt you guys against him. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. Most of them are women. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. I also really enjoyed Measure of Man which was the episode where Datas humanity is put on trial. Why are we judging other peoples interests? And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. Hes putting her down. On the flip side, my mother was much like LWs husband in that she always encouraged competitiveness and athleticism and things she thought were good. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. See a different horoscope: Select Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. I hope the LW sees your comment. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. Find your shared interests and go from there? Thanks temp! Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. I still think hes acting out like a child. Although Mom does need to step up and encourage a stronger relationship between the two of them, its ultimately Dads responsibility to cultivate that relationship. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. This is NO accident. He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. He is also very critical of both of US Cardinals games and all. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. I mean ever. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. lets_be_honest Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. bittergaymark ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. I honestly think both parents are at fault. I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. I can't even. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. He is dedicated and hard-working. Cant we at least celebrate that the things listed like Harry Potter probably indicate that the daughter is reading a lot of books not a bad thing , lets_be_honest I was saying thats debatable. And he doesnt have to hide that. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. Shes all the better for it. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. Maybe not, though. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. Older and (hopefully) wiser Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. I had loving parents, and I thought Wendy was off and the dad seems a bit off and sounds degrading. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. Too little time to post! July 2, 2013, 12:45 pm. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Plus, I like Rick Castle. Exactly! (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. We are this little team of 2. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. I dont understand the amount of hating on fandom today. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. I hated, and still do, all of those things. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three. I agree with you to some extent. Yeah, unless you get something you cant do like spell backwards while jumping on one foot, then it just sucks, and you feel stupid. I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! . How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? I forgive you!. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. Totally agree on the respect issue. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. sarolabelle If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. lets_be_honest I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? Um, no. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage.